10 Years Later

So...I was watching my Sunday line up of prime-time shows, killing time before Keith returns from a business trip and just as Brody was about to tell Nora (Brothers & Sisters) some terribly important tidbit from their past, the news interrupted my program to announce that Osama bin Laden is DEAD. U.S. military and intelligence shot and killed bin Laden in a compound/mansion in Pakistan. The president spoke to the American people about thirty minutes after the news interrupted to give us the information. This November would have been ten years since 9/11 and I know that those directly affected with a loss of their loved one has a sense of justice this evening. It makes me feel very proud to be a citizen in the United States of America.

When people speak about 9/11, it's one of those events where you remember exactly where you were that morning upon learning the complete devastation that took so many lives. Everyone remembers. I was up with Delaney first thing in the morning. She was 10 months old and was up throughout the night and most certainly early morning. I was drinking a cup of coffee and watching the news. Josh was asleep in our room. The first plane struck the World Trade Center and I went in to wake Josh up to come and watch, since it was still unclear what happened/why it happened/was it an accident. We watched the news for the next three days. Fast forward ten years and interesting to see the then, then and the now, now. Where I am in my life now versus unhappily married then. Just so wild how much things change.

Years Passed and Lessons Learned

It's been awhile since I've read the painful memories from 2005-2008'ish and I'm not too terribly interested in rehashing everything. I will say that I've learned a lot about myself. What I can tolerate, what I won't tolerate, period. Current date, I'm with the man of my dreams. My best friend, literally. Keith is *the* guy that I met and casually dated 13 years ago. He, Delaney and I are a family now with marriage very close in sight. It's interesting how one looks at marriage at a young age (me - 20 married, almost 21 having Delaney) versus being in my 30's now and what works for me and what doesn't.

I guess I mean that in the present moment of heartache and complete devestation....your world falling apart all around you...the husband you thought to always be faithful...the house that is your home that you had no intention of ever living elsewhere...your child, whom you never thought they would have to experience a broken home...all happens with the break-up of a family. Never in my entire life (and, I suppose *who* ever intends or plans on a broken family) had I thought divorce would ever be in my lifeline. Now, almost five years after the divorce of our family, I know without a shadow of a doubt that the man that I married; the father of my child...is NOT the man for me. He is wildly intelligent and has an absolute love of learning but he has no concept on what it means to actually love someone. My heart goes out to my daughter who never gets to truly spend time with her dad and experience something to create a memory. He will forever be a learner of all things but his relationship skills, especially those he remains close to, will not make the cut with him. Anyway...

My point is, is that it's almost been five years since our divorce. I'm fine today. I'm in love with Keith and I'm so excited about our future together. Does it make me sad that my first marriage failed? Of course. But, today -- he's not my person. And, I'm thankful for that. For knowing that. For being bigger and better than having my ex-husband holding me back.

More later. ♥ Heather

First Day

So...I started my new job today. So far, so good. The girls that I work with are all pretty cool and I think I'll really like working there. Seems laid back, certainly high-paced, but all-in-all -- an environment and a genre of work that I think will prove to be interesting and fun. SOOO different from the real estate world that I'd grown accustomed to over the past almost ten years. Plus, I've learned that all of my treatments will be 100% free, and you can't beat free. Perhaps I'll have amazing skin and won't have to shave my legs anymore. That's worth it right there!

I did notice that the day flew by. By the time I got off of work, I went to meet my kiddo for soccer practice. Since I had about thirty minutes to kill, I stopped off at a local Starbucks, got a coffee, and read my book for a little bit. Watched her practice and headed home. Made dinner, made sure Delaney was clean and showered for tomorrow, read a book with her, and put her to bed. Taking some alone time for myself for the next fifteen minutes or so before retiring to bed and starting all over tomorrow. I noticed that since the day went by so quickly, I didn't miss Keith as much as I would have if I had absolutely nothing to do. That's amazing. I did realize last night that the little time I actually have with him when he's in town will be cut down to a large degree since I'll be working. I can't necessarily say to my new boss, "Uh, so can I take the next five days off so that I can play with my boyfriend before he goes out of town again?" Not likely. In my amazing ability to justify just about anything, I'm choosing to look at our situation as a way to get back into being 'normal'. Since I've been unemployed for the past 4-5 months, we play like we're on vacation when he's home. This will force us to fall back into normalcy. I'll get home from work, we'll make dinner, hang out and watch TV, and go to bed. Just like any normal working couple. I'll miss the vacation with him though.

I texted him tonight telling him that I'll be going to sleep soon and he didn't feel the need to call me, stating that he was 'at Subway'. My reply, 'ok, call later.' Something tells me that he had a less than stellar day and doesn't feel like talking. Could be the stories that I tend to create in my head, but I think my assessment might be correct. Anyway..

I'm pleased that our story, our life is coming together as it should. I'm thankful for this opportunity to do something different and I couldn't be more grateful to be with my partner and daughter in this life. They fill my heart with complete love and I couldn't imagine my life, my entire existence without them.

Lost

So, it's a Friday night. I decided to stay in. With my beloved dog, Bella. Just don't want to put in the effort to get ready and socialize with people when I'd rather be a shut-in for the evening. I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man who travels a good majority of the time. He was home for ten days, six of which he worked locally but was able to come home and sleep in our bed with me. That was nice. He left yesterday for a fifteen day trip. So, he won't be home until the beginning of April. I miss him so much when he's gone. I've found, after experiencing the beginning-middle-end of these trips that I know what to expect at each of these periods of time. Right now, I miss him terribly. The first several days are really tough. I tend to get on with my normal life during the middle of the trip, and then by the time he's about to come home, I'm reminded of him coming home soon and I get giddy. Rinse and repeat. And, to be clear - I'm not a needy, co-dependent sort of girl. I've been independent for years now so it's not completely necessary to have my partner-in-crime to be at my side 24/7 (I hate that expression but nothing seemed to make the point better). But, in having found my 'person' in life, I do miss him when he's not here with me.

That aside, I'm also a mother. A very good, loving mother. My ex-husband and I have joint custody of my little girl and I want nothing more than for her to be with me. I won't get into the level of disappointment I have in the person he is, the father he is, his level of selfishness, the absolute fear in her regarding his disapprovement...the whole thing. On the day that he got her back for the evening, my little girl just called me. Her dad has friends over, of whom will be sleeping her her bed, causing her to sleep in his with him tonight. She called me to talk and read her a book so that she could go to sleep. Those ten minutes of reading, following the twenty minutes of talking to one another is what makes me feel totally complete in knowing that I'm a wonderful mother to a little girl who knows that she can absolutely count on me.

That phone call made me feel so, so, so much better.

Soon!!!

So, it's 1:55 in the morning and I'm waiting up for Keith to get home. He was supposed to come home tomorrow and would have been home around noon at the earliest but spoke to him tonight and he was already on his way. YAY!!! This trip was 12 days and I'm so excited to see him very soon. He'll be in town for ten days and I'll get to sleep next to him for all of those days. Seems silly I guess, but it means the world to me to do normal things with him. I know that all of this time apart with him working so hard will pay off in the long run when we can move into a bigger place, get married, and start our family together. :)

Just turned 31 yesterday. Somehow, though it's a little strange growing older, having Keith at my side, it doesn't scare me as I thought it would. Spent the weekend with my little girl. We had a perfectly normal weekend. We went to see 'Alice in Wonderland' last night. Such a great movie. More than anything we cuddled, loved on one another, and I was able to shower my child with love, confidence in herself, and a sense of peace. Being a mother is the greatest role I could possibly play in this world. It scares me sometimes to know that in just another 9 short years, she will be going off to college. My little girl really isn't that little anymore and that, truly, makes me sad. I'm very hopeful that one day soon Keith and I will have kids and will finally be able to give Delaney a brother or sister. I have always wanted that for her.

So, I'm very happy with the loves of my life and feel blessed that I have a wonderful partner and amazing daughter.

What day is it??..

Haha, since I'm still unemployed days just seem to run together. I applied for another agency position for promotional modeling like I've been at High Profile and hopefully Mosaic next. Great money and might as well do this for awhile since I have the looks. Anyway.

Just woke up a little bit ago. Keith is still in bed asleep. It is SO NICE that he's home. I miss him so much when he's gone. Found out yesterday that his next trip will be February 11 to February 23. That's a LONG time. Plus, our one year anniversary will be on Valentine's Day. We talked about celebrating our anniversary most likely on the 10th. So amazing that it's been such a wonderful year together. I'm a lucky girl. :) It's a great feeling to be with my partner and know he is my person and I don't have the worry about looking anymore or playing games.

Delaney turned 9 in January and we're having a first ever slumber party for her this Friday. I've received confirmation on three girls so far...I'm so excited for her. I'm staying there at the house with Josh. I may tell him to go out while I stay with the girls but that's something I should probably not bring up. If he brings it up I will encourage him to take off. I can't stand him and the thought of spending HOURS with the man does not sound fun at all.

Anyway, I'll try to keep this up better than my history shows.

H

Saturday Night Thoughts

So, it's 10:15 at night and I'm sitting in front of the computer with a feeling of sadness, emptiness, weirdness of this weekend sans Keith. He started a job and is out of town until the second week of December and as much as I thought it would be a great break, I miss him terribly. It could be because I've not yet talked to him. Tried texting earlier but haven't heard anything back. California time would place him at 8:07 now and due to him working retail sales, I'm thinking I won't hear from him until two hours from now, if I do at all. It's sort of funny and strange at the same time how our day-to-day patterns go without reason to question and when disturbed, it greatly throws a kink in our reaction to things. My poor little girl. Since I lost my job earlier this month, we've been forced to hang at home. Not so bad considering we have decorated for Christmas, worked on her science project for school, cleaned and organized, watched movies, went to the store for shopping (grocery and clothes) and visited the park. My daughter was full of theatrics tonight when she claimed that she was 'sad' and it stemmed from me jumping on her here lately. I will make more of a conscience effort to spout out comments due to her annoying me but come on. The tables turned where I'm the bad guy...clearly, she's the spawn of her father, too. Heh. Anyway, SNL is on in less than 10 minutes - perhaps I'll watch that for a little bit. Tired of feeling like a shit mother for my child being 'sad' for no reason whatsoever. When she's with her dad, she sits in her room watching TV. I love my child and even though I don't have a job right at this moment, she will always know that I will do whatever I can to entertain her and allow her to have a fun time. With Keith gone, on the other hand, and completely another topic, it amazes me how much me missing him impacts me. I have been independent for so very long. Him being gone for TWO DAYS strikes me as wanting to hear his voice. In my mind, there is absolutely no reason whatsoever for him not to have called me by now. I texted him earlier saying 'Kisses to you. xoxo.' Nothing. Due to the fact that every man in my entire adult hood has ended up cheating on me, I hesitate in thinking the same. I would agree if I didn't know him as I do. I hope with everything in my being that Keith would never do anything to betray my confidence and respect. His sister is coming over tomorrow to hang out. Perhaps I should go to sleep, forego the 'Saturday Night Live' and start tomorrow in the morning. I really can't wait to be his wife. I love him so much and can't wait to start a family together.