Saturday Night Thoughts

So, it's 10:15 at night and I'm sitting in front of the computer with a feeling of sadness, emptiness, weirdness of this weekend sans Keith. He started a job and is out of town until the second week of December and as much as I thought it would be a great break, I miss him terribly. It could be because I've not yet talked to him. Tried texting earlier but haven't heard anything back. California time would place him at 8:07 now and due to him working retail sales, I'm thinking I won't hear from him until two hours from now, if I do at all. It's sort of funny and strange at the same time how our day-to-day patterns go without reason to question and when disturbed, it greatly throws a kink in our reaction to things. My poor little girl. Since I lost my job earlier this month, we've been forced to hang at home. Not so bad considering we have decorated for Christmas, worked on her science project for school, cleaned and organized, watched movies, went to the store for shopping (grocery and clothes) and visited the park. My daughter was full of theatrics tonight when she claimed that she was 'sad' and it stemmed from me jumping on her here lately. I will make more of a conscience effort to spout out comments due to her annoying me but come on. The tables turned where I'm the bad guy...clearly, she's the spawn of her father, too. Heh. Anyway, SNL is on in less than 10 minutes - perhaps I'll watch that for a little bit. Tired of feeling like a shit mother for my child being 'sad' for no reason whatsoever. When she's with her dad, she sits in her room watching TV. I love my child and even though I don't have a job right at this moment, she will always know that I will do whatever I can to entertain her and allow her to have a fun time. With Keith gone, on the other hand, and completely another topic, it amazes me how much me missing him impacts me. I have been independent for so very long. Him being gone for TWO DAYS strikes me as wanting to hear his voice. In my mind, there is absolutely no reason whatsoever for him not to have called me by now. I texted him earlier saying 'Kisses to you. xoxo.' Nothing. Due to the fact that every man in my entire adult hood has ended up cheating on me, I hesitate in thinking the same. I would agree if I didn't know him as I do. I hope with everything in my being that Keith would never do anything to betray my confidence and respect. His sister is coming over tomorrow to hang out. Perhaps I should go to sleep, forego the 'Saturday Night Live' and start tomorrow in the morning. I really can't wait to be his wife. I love him so much and can't wait to start a family together.

Brave -vs- Chickenshit

So, R was there at WAM last night.  Looking adorable as always.  I could feel the energy of him around me.  It was so powerful I felt I would fall over.  After the meeting, he said my name in his funny tone and I turned back and asked if he was going to Jenn's birthday party.  He said that he didn't know anything about it.  I told him that I called Eric earlier in the day and asked that he call the guys and spread the word.  Jenn shows up and she talked to R.  He said that he wanted to go and might go but wasn't sure.  Found out that Angela's birthday celebration was that night, too.  Tyler, Jon, Leslie, Ashley and I went to Jenn's party in Addison.  The girls and I talked about the situation that I'm in.  I explained that I have put a lot of thought into this, a lot of prayer, a lot of talking to Julie -- weighing the pros and cons and am almost to the point of talking to him.  I'm terrified.  Ashley said that as long as I was okay with a no or a yes then there would be no harm whatsoever.  This is something that I have to get off my chest.  Hopefully I'll get the opportunity to talk to him soon.  Not sure if he'll be there tonight or at the meeting tomorrow.  Guess we'll see.  Either way, I guess I'm ready to be grounded in terms of rejection or the possibility of becoming something with him again.  Boys and feelings suck!!  :)  I swear, you'd think I was 14.

MRI Day

So...I've been having Migraine headaches for the past six months or so.  I've seen more doctors and spent more on co-pays than a normal person generally would.  At the beginning of February I started seeing a Neurologist.  He diagnosed me "Chronic Migraine Sufferer" (DUH!) and my MRI and MRA is scheduled for this morning.  It was my understanding that within 5 business days I should know the results.  So, after this procedure I will be meeting Leslie to take a meeting to Maggie's House.  I'm excited about it.

Bad Dreams

Just was startled awake a few minutes ago by a bad dream.  Very bizarre.

I was at this mansion...don't recall ever being there.  It was a vacation home of sorts -- lots of balconies, palm trees, lounge chairs and the like.  Prior to this I was on a street walking.  My daughter and my ex-husband were driving by and saw me.  She had a soccer game that day.  They stopped and she was running towards me.  I hugged on her and my ex played with my dog (which is unusual being that he's not nice to her in real life).  Flip to the vacation house.  I'm upstairs in the suite and there are two guys up there and we're about to have sex, I guess?  J went inside and took a shower.  It dawned on me that he would have seen the two guys that were upstairs waiting on me.  I guess we were going to have sex?  I told him that I had company and he would have to leave.  It occurred to me that he would have seen them.  He didn't.  J went upstairs and changed into his pajamas, ready to go to sleep in the same bed as I would. The guys walk out of the huge walk-in closet and I ask him to go back downstairs.  I'm sober in real life but in my dream I think I was drunk or something because these guys were awful looking and what was originally two guys turned into 4 guys and 2 girls.  The girls are asking questions (these men are their husbands or friends or something) and apparently I'm a prostitute?  Or just trying to make extra money?  I quickly excuse myself, coming to my senses and run downstairs.  D is asleep but I run outside looking for J to help me kick these people out.  He said that he would.  My Mom is there along with my Dad and she says that she has already run their credit card for the service and I told my Dad what all of this was about, supposedly.  I was terrified and ran to the bathroom to vomit.  D was in there throwing up too.  (I'm guessing she was sick and was coincidentally throwing up, too.)  

Then I woke up.

Just yuck.  I feel all sorts of unsettled.

Thursday Night Laziness

Well, my blog is officially set up.  Chillin' out on the couch being lazy.  I'm kid-free for the remainder of the weekend so it's nice to have a clean house and no kiddo shows on.  One more day of work this week and then it's time to play!

We're going out for Jenn's birthday tomorrow night after WAM.  I will decide to be brave and put one last effort out there to see if the 'unmentionable' notices.  If not, I shall move on.  Not what I want to do but perhaps he'll come around one of these days.  Tyler referred to it as little bread crumbs that he sporadically leaves for me.  Nicely put.  Ugh...guys suck.  :)

He showed up tonight at the meeting...walked in while I was talking to Carr.  My back was to the room itself so not sure where he walked to but just as soon as he was in, he was on his phone back out.  I saw him linger in the hallway on the phone and then he was gone.  He was wearing a button down shirt with a tie.  Bizarre for him.  Perhaps he's growing up after all.

Nothing exciting about this post...just wanted to get it started.

H